Put Me on a Plane, Fly Me to Anywhere

Lately I have been feeling increadable blessed. Why, you may ask? Well, becuase I have had the chace to travel to two different countries in 2 months.

The family vaction to Spain was wonderul. Spain is a beautiful country with loads to do and see. It was lovely to spend time with my family and really see one another. The food and wine were excelent, and it was both an educational and relaxing trip.

As for the second trip, I write to you today from Hong Kong. It was quite a jouny to get here (a 15.5 hour flight, 1 hour circling in China due to a typhoon, being deverted to Taipei for refuling, and then the hour flight from Taipei to Hong Kong for a total of 20 hours of flying/being on a plane) but I am here none the less.
I currently sit in my hotel room, overlooking Victoria Harbour watching the sun set and the neon lights of Hong Kong slowly turn on. And in a few hours, I get to watch a fireworks show over the Harbour for National Day.
While this is not a vaction and I am here for work, I still feel very blessed to be able to see a country I never imaginded myself in. I never pictured myself in Asia. It’s not that I never wanted to travel here, I just never really considered it. But, after being here for 2 days, I cannot believe that I didn’t.

Hong Kong is a beautiful blend of East and West. It used to be under Brittish Rule, so there are many Western influences and the signs are in Chinese and English. Yet, Temples interrupt skyscapers, and tea is the drink of choice. I must say that I cannot wait to explore and learn more about this spectacular city in my spare moments.

I am bleesed to me livng out a part of my long-standing dream and feeling like the One Republic song- “This has got to be the good life.”

Seattle, WA -Sleep Depravation and Unexpected Blessings

Subtitle: God is my strength and He is ever faithful to His children.

Another period of silence This time it was not due to conflict, but rather feeling like I had no time. Two weeks ago I was returning home from an almost three week trip to one of my favorite places in the word, Seattle, WA.

Unfortunately, this was not a sight-seeing trip, but rather a work trip. It was 17 days of straight work, really long days, too short nights, and no weekends off. I know, it sounds terrible, and it was really hard some days, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world! Despite having very little time with the Lord, He really was with me and continually showing himself and even some of his plan for me. Let me explain:

I started this job in April, I left for Seattle in June. I have not worked on a project this intense, intricate, or large-ever. I was so nervous! I had a lot of pressure on me but I felt like I handled alright, but I could have done better (I will probably always feel this way, but hey, this is my first one!). He allowed me to excel. I could not have done all and what I did without him. He kept me calm, collected, and patient when I didn’t want to be. He woke me up every morning, especially when all I wanted to do was sleep. And while this may not seem like a lot, it really was to me.

And then He showed up in even bigger ways. I met two women on my trip who were so encouraging to me. Neither of them were Christians, but they still managed to show me how the Lord is using me. They encouraged me professionally in ways the Lord used to draw me closer to Him. As you, blog readers know, I had been struggling with direction in my life. I didn’t know if I was pursuing event planning because I liked it, or because the Lord was calling me to it. These ladies confirmed that is really is what I should be doing on more than one occasion. They both could not believe I had only been working on this for 2 months, were surprised by how I handled pressure, and the demands of the job, and how calm I seemed to be. They both encouraged me to keep going and pursue event planning, because I “was a natural” at it-words I needed to hear for clarity!

The Lord showed his faithfulness in the small things and big life choices in Seattle. I have made two new friends and amazing professional contacts! I have learned, again, that the Lord’s timing is prefect (I might not have had this opportunity any other time!) and He is truly faithful to his children.

P.S. Seattle really is beautiful! I love that city so much. And yes, to all those who have asked, I would move there if I had an opportunity to do so. It’s a great blend of fast-paced Chicago and the laid-back west coast. There is great culture, atmosphere, and people there. And, not to mention, an AMAZING market with some of the best fruit I have ever eaten (yep Pike Place) and all the coffee I could ever dream of!

Silence

It has been a while… I have had a lot of things going on in my life, but that isn’t really why I haven’t been blogging.

When I am in the middle of conflict, my fight-of-flight instinct kicks in, and I am a flight-er. I shut down…I either leave the situation, or when I have no other options, I become silent.

For the past few months I have felt like my life was in conflict. I have felt like i have had great direction and clarity as to what direction my life should/is taking and the next day I felt directionless and lost. There were so many ups and downs, and I felt like I was being pulled in so many directions and there was definitely some spiritual warfare thrown in there too. I felt like I had to figure out every step of my life right then and there and that was overwhelming.

But, through the conflict and the silence, there was learning. Silence may not be the best way to handle conflict (actually, it really isn’t) but God used it for good. I was able to be silent long long enough to listen to God, and decipher some of His truth from the lies around me, and for that i am thankful.

True to form, I am breaking the silence because I no longer feel in conflict. I have a real, full-time job and at least for now I feel like my life is moving down a path, and actually has direction. I have no idea where that will lead, or what it will amount too, but at least there is a path in which to move along. I have also decided to run the marathon again for World Vision and this week was the kick-off week for base training.

There are a lot of things going on in my life and I cannot wait to see what the Lord does with them and what He has in store.

Until next time (hopefully sooner)-

My marathon time

Oh, and by the way, I finished the Marathon in 6 hours 29 minutes and 41 seconds! I made my goal. I wanted to finish in 6.5 hours and I did! Praise the Lord!

On of the hardest things I have ever had to do

Running a Marathon was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. When I look back at the past 6 months, I realize how much of this is true. I have run over 500 miles, given up hours of sleep, hours of time hanging out with friends, and have endured countless blisters. I currently have trouble moving without tremendous muscle pain (for all of you with fibro, I cannot even imagine how you do this on a daily basis) am crazy tired, and have massive blisters on both feet.

Despite all of this, until Marathon day, I never thought this was the hardest thing I have had to do because the Lord led me through it all. I listened to the Lord when He told me to trust Him and sign up for this crazy endeavor!

Race day was amazing! I was nervous, and excited. The first 15 miles went so well, but the last 11 were tortuous. I wanted to give up at mile 18, but the Lord once again showed up. He reminded me that I wasn’t doing this for myself. I was doing it because other people deserve a better life. They deserve fresh water. As I was drenching my self with water at water stations, running through hoses, and smearing ice all over my head (yep all of those are so not glamourous, but totally work, and I felt totally shameless-thanks to the Lord for that reality check) the Lord reminded me that I was lucky. I was able to have fresh water cover my body and fill my mouth and I didn’t have to walk miles to get it! And, while I had millions of people cheering me on, some people do not.

So, I stuck with it because I had a support team rooting for me to finish, villages in Africa who will not have fresh water, and the Lord lifted me up and placed me on His back, and carried me through.

It was worth it. Through all the sacrifice, all the pain, and all the blisters-and all of the post-race pain today, it was worth it! Thank you to all of you who supported me, prayed for me, cheered me on, and helped to get me through!!!

This was the one of the hardest things I have had to do, but thanks to God and all of you, it didn’t feel like it!

A Montage of Moods

So, It has been a while since my last post, and I know my posting has been spotty lately. Truth be told, I have been in a funny mood for the last month. Not like one mood for the whole month, but have had many highs and lows where I will craft a post in my mind, but then I let it sit for a little while and it no longer seems relevant/necessary.

Another reason I have not been posting lately is that I don’t consider myself an eloquent person and usually craft a post outline before I write and lately, the words have not been flowing into the outlines.

But as I type, I am realizing that neither of my excuses are good enough. I began this blog to present the truth of my life, as it unfolds and what the Lord is teaching me through it/ how He is guiding me. So, I don’t have to have posts that are timeless, or filled with dazzling and witty words. I just need the simple truth.

And here it is. This month has been strange. I finally have a job (2 part time jobs actually) and yet, that hasn’t solved all of the drama in my life (I knew that it wouldn’t but a part of me had really hoped).

I have realized that I really do love event planning and the thrill of an event and that I think this is the place for me. But, I still don’t know how to get to where I want and feel like I can’t catch a break with getting a full-time job.

I actually enjoy running! I don’t really enjoy the crazy long runs (like tomorrow’s 18 mile run) but under 13 is good not so bad as I once thought!

I doubt myself a lot. I also get into moods where I spiral into a crazy place. I believe everything will fail, I become more indecisive than normal, and i become indifferent to everything. As awful as this kind of mood sounds and is, I have seen the Lord work through it. I have learned to recognize that I am in a crazy place and that getting out is necessary. Also, I have learned that I can’t do it on my own. I need the Lord to help be back to a normal state of mind!

I am obsessed with the song “How He Loves.” It has been reminding me that while I am fragile and broken, God still loves me violently. He may allow storms to come my way that I believe I will break under, but He does it because He loves me, and know that they will not break me, but draw me closer to Him. Along with this, I have been realizing how much Grace I really do need and how much Grace I need to be giving others.

Now that I have been writing for a while, more ideas and outlines have been flowing. I want to post again soon, but then again with the roller coaster of moods who knows. All I know is that I have been overwhelmed recently by the idea that I am fiercely loved by a God who is jealous for me, and wants to love me so perfectly! And no matter what mood I am in, that is something I can rely on always!

While running…

So I realized that it has been a while since I have posed and so many things have happened. Sadly, my mind is just not working well so right now (its been a long day.) so this is what you get…for now. Also, there have been several blog posts floating around in my head and none of them seem to be quite right…

But, with all that said, I wanted to be begin by saying I had a really cool and totally sweet thing happen to me on Sunday and Monday while running. Sunday I ran 16 miles! That is a lot, but not the cool part. At about mile 10-12 I began to struggle-Like a lot! I wanted to stop running and walking and just call it quits. I really wished I had my phone with me to call my family to come and pick me up. And, for the last 4 miles, I felt like at any minute, I could spontaneously burst into tears–it was that bad!
Then the Lord showed up! I had woven in worship music to my ipod playlist and those songs somehow had saved themselves for those miles (it was on shuffle, so totally God). I wanted to quit and just fall over, when worship music fills my ears. That is when the cool things began to happen. All I wanted to do was sing and worship the Lord while I was walking/running home! I was filled with chills and energy! I no longer felt the pain in my hip and the blisters growing on my feet. I wanted to run and praise the Lord!

The Lord showed up in big ways! He carried my on “the wings of eagles” back to my car and refocused my mind on why I am really running! (which is to provide clean water to villages in Africa, NOT for me!)

God is SO Good and not only protects and provides for his children but also carries them through the things they don’t always think they can make it though!

I have also dealt with the opposite of this experience this week. I have had 2 friends call me and tell me that things in their lives are not going as they planned. And in these situations, it appears as if God has not shown up yet, or won’t show up. These past few days and weeks have taught me a lot about God showing up. He tends to show up when we least expect it, and when we are right on the edge of giving up hope. So as I marvel in what the Lord has shown me in a crazy tangible way, I have this to say to those of you who are struggling: God will show up! God has a perfect plan in place and it is a good plan (even if we don’t think it is good-His good and our good tend to be different). And, even if it doesn’t look like God has shown up, He has, we just can’t see it yet.

So for those of you who are struggling with things that are not ideal, know that God does and will show up! He is walking alongside of you always, and knows when He needs to carry you.
For those of you who are in a season (however brief) of reveling in the blessings/joys of the Lord, revel. But let us also lift up and encourage those who need the overflowing of our joy.

Happy Birthday Little Brother, I really do love you!

Today is my little brother’s 19th Birthday! It seems so crazy that he is 19. When did he get so old?! I didn’t believe it last night when I had to do the math to figure out that he was 19.

This post is for you. Although you might never see this post, I think some things need to be said.

One, I don’t always think of you as my little brother. More of just a brother. You are taller then me now, and at times much wiser than I.

This is when I have heals on too!

Two, You have mad creative skills. I wish I were as musical as you and as talented with a camera.

Three, you are crazy good at sports. I am so jealous of the talent you have.

Four, you are a total goof-ball some times and I wish I had a fraction of your humor.

The one with the red shorts and in the bacon costume.

Five, you have fantastic taste in music! Thank you for sharing some of it with me!

Six, you appreciate amazing movies! Thank you for being my movie watching partner!
Seven, I wish I had more photos of the two of us. There have been so many missed opportunities.

Eight, I am sorry I have missed so many opportunities to share my life with you, and to hear about yours. I know you are not a big talker (more on that later) but I hope this changes in our relationship together. I want to get to know you better and have a better relationship with you.

Nine, I admire your soft-spokeness. You are the quite one in the family (outside of home I think you are louder) but I thank you for keeping me in check and being the level headed one when it comes to family fights.

Ten, I am sorry I have started so many fights with you. I was young and stupid and am SO glad we are past that!

Eleven and finally, I care about you more than you even know! I want you to be happy and successful in every facet of your life. I am so glad you have a personal relationship with Christ! To see that you do has been one of my fervent prayers answered. I also hope you do not carry the same wounds and scars I do. And if you do, I hope and pray that the Lord will heal those, and that you will not be left embittered but instead empowered and strengthened by them. I hope you know you can always come to me; and I hope that you do.

It has been a long road to get here.I have enveyed you most of my life (and it is only by God’s strength that I no longer do). But know this, I LOVE YOU.

Split-Glory out of frustration

Disclaimer: I am not a verbal processor but an internal and written one. This is me processing thoughts bouncing around in my head. I apologies if they do not make much sense.

I am split in many ways.
I both love and hate onions and mushrooms. I am both nervous and excited about this marathon thing and the idea that I will be running 12 miles tomorrow. I have conflicting music and movie tastes (I LOVE a good drama, but I am a closet chick flick fan), and fashion tastes vary as well (I love a good uptown look as well as the downtown look).

But those things aren’t usually the problem. I can work with strange tastes in food, entertainment, and fashion. What really gets me is that I am split on my future and what to do next. I want so much out of my life but don’t know how to get it. I have dreams that I know will never come true because I simply was not gifted the skills and talents necessary to do those things well. But it is frustrating to me that where I think I have the skill set, I still cannot seem to make those dreams come true.

And therein lies another one of my issues with my split self. I do not understand how God decided to wire me. I love organization (and can geek out in the Container Store for hours) and yet I love to be creative. I love being around people but also like to be alone. I am both a pessimist and an optimist. I love both summer and winter. I recently took a spiritual gifts assessment in my Bible study. I figured out my gifts alright, but when it came to the style/ personality of how you express or execute your gifts I landed smack dab in the middle. Not close to the middle, no in the middle. Since the chart was a graph with X and Y axis, like graph plotting in math (like plotting equations in algebra) I landed on the point where X and Y intersect. I serve/ execute my gifts with organization and creativity, in small group and large group settings.

I was frustrated by this. I have spend so long trying to figure out which side of the fence I really sit on. I hate sitting on the fence but yet in most situations I do. I land right in the middle. And I still do. But why? While this still boggles my mind in regards to my future (I feel like a jack of all trades but master of none). I am still all over the map. I want to keep searching for a “professional” career oriented job, but I also think about fun jobs like creating a bakery or owning a boutique. I have considered grad school, culinary school, pastry school, and no school and still have no idea where to go next which drives me crazy. I want a decisive answer. I wish I were a decisive person. But, I think I am beginning to understand.

I am creative and organized because that is the only way I can survive my life family. I can be focused and yet step back and rest. I see situations from more than one perspective–that is the big one. I was gifted the insight in some circumstances (not all mind you, I am far from perfect and all knowing) to be able to view things from another’s perspective and communicate that to others. And I am beginning to realize that’s huge! I can talk people down from crazy and stupid ideas. I can help people see how another person can be thinking and feeling, while understanding what they are thinking and feeling. That is a gift, and one the Lord is using constantly.

But, the flip side of that coin still haunts me. While I begin to realize the purpose of what I thought was a mistake in my wiring, I have been also beginning to see the result of the struggle. When I am confused about what step to take next, where to turn, or what to do, the Lord points me to Him. (Yes, the Lord points me to Him because that is not something I can do on my own.) While I might not hear anything and still be confused (which is whole other beast), the Lord is working. He is drawing me closer. He is using me and my life to bring Him Glory–Which is the purpose of it all!

While I still don’t know what this all means for my life, my emotions tend to follow my personality. I am frustrated that I don’t get a clear path (but who really does), and yet I am thankful. I am thankful that the Lord can use my frustration and fence-sitting self to bring Glory to Himself in my life and in other’s lives. And that is really what it is all about-Having God bring Glory to Himself through us.

Hoarding: Soul Edition

I am a Hoarder.

Do I have stock piles of worthless junk littering every inch of my room or house? No. My desire to have organization and order wins out every time. But I do have a problem with letting go of things. I like to keep them even if they have served their purpose. Case in point: This fall I cleaned out my closet. And I mean really cleaned. I got rid of over 30 items of clothing and accessories which I had not worn in over a year-and it killed me. Every item I put into the box was a struggle. I tried to justify why it needed to stay in my closet; I would wear it, it really does still fit, it will fit if I just loose a little weight…And the list goes on and on. To tell you the truth, I don’t miss those items. I never think about them or want to wear them. I don’t think I could even tell you what I gave away because I don’t remember them.

But even worse then hoarding possessions? I hoard so much in my soul. I hoard old feelings, old insecurities, old problems, old memories, old injustices, my time, my habits, my pride, my money, my desire for safety, my desire to fix things myself, and my friendships. And this is a problem. Unlike my closet, I cannot easily organize these things or, just cast them off into a box for Good Will.

These things that I hoard are both harder to get rid of and more dangerous to hold onto. They don’t simply keep my soul messy looking, but they keep me from Christ and Freedom in Christ. They keep me in emotional and spiritual chains. They keep me from loving Christ with everything I have. It is baggage that makes it harder to walk the life Christ has called me to. And I knew that, I knew that baggage and the things of the past that need to be relinquished would hinder my journey, but I had never thought about them in an active way. Rather than me clutching tightly to these things, I had always seen them as things that just sat there taking up space. I never thought I was the one forcing them there. They were not things that simply needed to be moved, cleared out, or cleaned up, they are things I need to stop holding on to.

So now what. Casing away these hoarded items isn’t as easy as dumping them into a box and taping it shut before I change my mind. Or is it? I can choose to hold on to them, clutching them tightly in my hand, or I can turn them over to God and not look back. Of course it is easier said then done but it is my choice. Just like my closet, I have a choice. I can keep them and allow them to take up space and try to squeeze in the new things, or I can clean them out one by one, allowing plenty of room for bigger and better things.

And the best part? I don’t have to do this alone! God does not demand that we turn over sources of refuge and security blankets over on our own, nor does he wrench them from our grasps. He gently asks for them, and then helps us open each one of our white-knuckled fingers so entwined around our object of desire. In fact, we cannot do this alone. We have to have the Lord’s help. And that is an encouraging fact. So let us not be spiritual and soul hoarders. Instead let us run freely, and wildly towards Christ without our baggage or burdens to slow us down (with His help of course)!